My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize