i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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