Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
