I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
