i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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