im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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