I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
