Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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