I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
