I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
