Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
