at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
