"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
