Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
