I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
