I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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