you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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