So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
