That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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