I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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