just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
