I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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