If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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