my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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