i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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