I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
