I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
