Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
