i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
