On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
