I wish they made helmets for livers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
