I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize