Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
