I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
