If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
