im six kinds of drunk right now
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize