o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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