If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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