The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
