I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
