Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
