So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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