She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
