If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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