We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
