call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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