so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
