Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
