We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i already hear my dad disowning me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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