His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
