Got a toothbrush?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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