dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
