Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
