she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
