I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
